I have no patience for most things. I get this. I am intolerant and judgmental towards those I feel should be doing things different, better, whatever, in their lives. As I get older, my intolerance grows stronger. Again, I get this. I’ve always been known among my friends to have an honest and harsh opinion about most things. I do, however, know how to tone it down when I need to. I have tact when I need to. I understand the difference between a cry for help and a cry for attention so when I get the cry for help, my words are softer, my opinion buried, and I’m there til the end. But, when I get the cry for attention (something I’ve NEVER dealt with very well…I’ll admit, it embarrasses me somewhat) then my defenses go into overdrive and my harshness gets harsher.
I don’t know why I’m like this. I’m assuming it’s because most every problem I’ve had, I’ve dealt with it on my own. When my marriage fell apart, I found my own attorney, my own therapist, my own comfort. I had one person there for me and I ran to her as little as possible. But I guarantee you this, when I asked her for help or guidance, and she gave me words to think about, I did. I listened and I changed my thinking based on what she told me. This, I think, is my problem with being there for others. I want to be the best, most sympathetic, empathetic, comforting friend in the history of history. When someone comes to me with a problem and I email them back the longest, most honest, thoughtful, heartfelt answer, I’m giving them a part of myself. When I listen to someone, and offer them advice, it’s coming from a place I don’t always feel comfortable with … emotions. I’ve been told recently that I come off as void of emotion. Exactly the opposite, as I rarely show it, because once it’s out, its’ out and it’s hard to put back inside. No, I don’t get all blubbery over every fucking problem I have … financial, in relationships, work, single parenthood … because if I did, I’d be in bed, in the fetal position for half my life. When things are bad, and yes, they do get bad for me just like they do for you, then I force myself out of the house, I write, I surround myself with friends and family and when my friends and family tell me things, I listen, I take it to heart and I change myself. Also, I think of my friends who actually do have problems … divorcing alcoholic/depressive/drug addicted husbands who don’t help them and don’t offer them child support. But I see these women “doing it” and I know they must be freaking out, but they are surviving with grace and dignity. I think of them, and I appreciate what I do have control of in my own life.
We all have problems. And to each of us, our problems seem like the worst problems in the history of problems. But none of us really take a moment to see how our problems might be seen through the eyes of others. We only expect others to empathize with us. We rarely ever wonder how we are affecting the empathizer as we only want to be the empathizee.
When I was going through divorce, I was obsessed with the situation I was in. It was affecting my work, my personal life, my parenting. I was on the verge of losing my job. I couldn’t get out of bed. I was constantly looking for the attention of men in an unhealthy way, I was short with those around me, spending a lot of money I didn’t necessarily have. On the outside, I seemed fine. Nobody realized I wasn’t leaving the house and nobody called to find out why. I had nobody to give me advice, kick me in the butt, comfort me. Only because I didn’t ask for it. The only person who noticed was Leslie, because she saw me every day, she saw what was happening. She pulled me into her office one day and basically kicked me in the ass with words. They were harsh. I was really offended and hurt by them at first. But I went home, thought about them, and realized they were coming from a kind place even though the words themselves seemed really mean to me. The intent was to put a mirror up and tell me “hey you crazy woman, your life sucks right now, but you will get better. You will survive. But you will be in charge of the “better” and the “surviving” parts.” I thought I was trying to be strong. But I wasn’t. I was in full self pity mode.
From that day forward, I swore I wouldn’t mince words when I saw a woman sinking and needed a kick in the ass. I’ve done this to friends several times since. And most of the time, it works. But every so often, I realize I’ve said harsh, real words to a woman who wasn’t ready to hear them. And to those women, I’m sorry. My harshness comes from an “I’ve been there” place. That is all. I can only do so much before I feel that maybe this woman needs a kick in the butt instead of a hug. You won’t find anyone more supportive than me. But you also won’t find anyone more realistic about life than me either. And sometimes reality hurts.
Remember, time is not on our side. Make the moments count when you have them.
Xo
Vile. Really vile.
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
Tags: depression, divorce, female relationships, Girlfriends
How are you a job creator? I’d love to hear your story…
